the woods are lovely dark and deep
but i have promises to keep
and miles to go before i sleep
and miles to go before i sleep

Florida on Film

Lakeshore Drive, Newnan's Lake, Gainesville.

Be A Wise Four-Eyes

You might want to consider this next time you buy a new pair of eyeglasses: Many household spray chemicals--including air fresheners, hairsprays, and perfumes--adhere to the plastic and polycarbonate blends they make lenses out of today. Once on the lens, these dots or film are your permanent friends and cannot be washed or rubbed off. So do your beauty rituals, Ousting, and Windexing sans glasses to protect your investment.

UPPER DECKER
The act of defecating in the upper tank of the toilet. When the next poor unsuspecting person flushes the toilet they get a bowl of beef stew. The upper decker is a weapon of terror and should only be used on people who deserve it.

For more definitions, see http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Upper+Decker.

G-Hog

Florida On Film

Cypresses on sandbar between two lakes, Melrose, Florida, April 2008.

Theres no one as Irish as Barack OBama- Corrigan Brothers

Stupid Animal

Deer Gets Revenge on Hunter

We Love Virgil!

Good Thoughts for Virgil

Virgil the dog (shown here in Twilight, Christmas '07) is sick. We don't know how serious it is yet, but we're hoping (for his sake and everyone else's) that it's nothing that a little antibiotics won't cure. Today we're sending him lots of love and positive energy to encourage rapid healing.

HOPDINGER: Definitions

Definitions for this week's Southernism are in. They were so good we had to name them all winners! Each of these here definitions is a real hopdinger (an amazing piece of work). I'd forgotten what a creative, crazy crew these Floridians are.

1. Hopdinger: Interpretive dance performed by cracker with buckshot in his ass.
-Bumby
2. Hopdinger: In Wacahoota, it's what ussen crackers call a tree. Or a very large cat fish. "Ooh wee! Look at that hopdinger. It done ate my hook."
-Emily
3. Hopdinger: A large frog caught for its scrum-diddily-umptious legs (whilst giggin') -- good eatin'.
-Sarah
4. Hopdinger (hawp-ding'-ur): noun: A gathering of Eastern lubber grasshoppers during the mating season, involving showy behavior by the males of the species; similar to a cotillion ball for insects [includes link to online scientific document].
-Kim
5. Hopdinger: An olde-timey feed bin fashioned of wood.
-Tom

Tune in for another edition of Rebel Tongue next week!

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I’ve got some mad kung fu skills if you need help.
~Emily E.

Vomitous Recipes #1: "The Bacon Explosion"

A Starr Is Born has a whole new series! If you want to throw up, cook these recipes. This week's features bacon with spices, layered with ground meat, rolled up, slathered with barbecue sauce, and grilled. Yecchh!! Rowlf!! Hurl!!!

Feel free to post other vomit sounds below.

Polecats Are Real!

And they're in the same family (Mustelidae) as otters, weasels, muskrats, fishers, etc. Musky little guys.

Florida On Film

Mannequin head in a cycad: Gainesville, Florida, Halloween 2008.

Twin Pitchers

These here are some pitchers of my niece Sarah and nephew Keith (fraternal twins). They live in Callyfornia with their mom, my sister Susan; their dad Alex; and their big brother Sam (a freckly redhead!). I hardly ever get to see them. The last time I did was when they visited Florida about 2 1/2 years back, and apparently they've GROWED since then!

Hay Day (A Real Hopdinger)

My friend Emily shared a story with me today about a rabid bobcat that attacked a Florida gentleman while he was out hunting. She followed up with a timely warning to me: You better watch out when you go birding now. Which by the way, we have a ton of birds at our house right now! Cardinals, wrens, woodpeckers, pigeons, and more. They’re having a hay day with the acorns.

Trash World

A British "human mole" died of dehydration, lost in the tunnels of trash in his home. This could happen to you if you don't take out the garbage regularly.

Florida On Film

Roadside orange stand: Crystal River, Florida, March 2008.

Bleeding Ear

Kids in the hall - America

Kids in the Hall - Arms in a Vat of Dead Fish

The economy's bad, so we should all be grateful for having jobs.

The Pleiades

Weekly Guest Star

The pole cat!


Baby pole cat

"I'm not gonna call him Dad EVER! Even if there's a FIRE!"

Will Ferrell & John C. Reilly in Step Brothers

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Once on paper, everything must be brilliant and dignified, even a dot.
-Ha Jin, In the Pond

Florida on Film

Children disembarking from schoolbus: Howey-in-the-Hills, Central Florida, early December 2007.

My Kind of Livin'

Craig Morgan
"Redneck Yacht Club"

i'm meeting my buddies out on the lake
we're headin out to a special place
we love that just a few folks know
there's no signing up, no monthly dues
take your johnson, your merc'ry, or your evinrude and fire it up
meet us out at party cove
come on in the water's fine
just idle on over and toss us a LIME (not line)

(Chorus:)
basstrackers, bayliners, and a party barge
strung together like a floating trailer park
anchored out and gettin loud all summer long
side by side there's five houseboat front porches
astroturf, lawn chairs, and tiki torches
regular joes rockin the boat that's us
the redneck yacht club

bermudas, flip-flops, and a tank-top tan
popped his first top at ten a.m., that's bob
he's our president
we're checkin out the girls on the upper deck
rubbin in the 15 spf, it's hot!
everybody's jumpin in
later on when the sun goes down
we'll pull out the jar and the old guitar
and pass 'em around

repeat chorus

when the party's over and we're all alone
well be makin waves in a no wake zone

repeat chorus

Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

Rebel Tongue

This new segment of A Starr Is Born takes its cue from Balderdash. In that game, you choose a word from the dictionary and make up the most convincing possible definition for it. One person then reads all the definitions aloud, and the players vote for which they think is the real one. The definition with the most votes wins.

In Rebel Tongue, a "Southernism" will be tossed out for which y'all must invent meanings. Please post your comments below. The most convincing one will be chosen as the winner.

This week's Southernism is:
HOPDINGER

Blog Roll: Part IV

Erin gets her shout out today for her blog conspicuously bright (she likes writing all in lower case). Unfortunately, talented writer, knowledgable horticulturist, and lovely person though she is, Erin's wearing the Naughty Gnome Hat today for not posting since October. We shame her and hope she shall blog again soon. If not, it's Peeps for her.

Eat the View

Check this out! There's a campagin afoot to convince President Obama to convert the White House lawn into an organic veggie garden. Presidential produce would go to the White House kitchen and to local food pantries.

Hear Ye, Grammar Nerds!

Some of you may have noticed the awkward moment between Barack Obama and Justice Roberts on Inauguration Day, as they shared a blooper take of the Presidential oath of office. Here's some thoughts on what happened and why. N.B.: Don't bother reading it if grammatical errata and copy editing don't interest you.

Chinese Santa

Mass Murderer

You gotta ask yourself: Who am I doing this for--myself, or the press??

Sarcasm at its best, or worst.

Chain Gang

Actually I've sort of lost touch with the gang...

Blog Roll: Part III

Tom gets a shout out today, because he BLOGGED FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE SEPTEMBER! I just cruised over to Tom's Green Thumb and discovered that I actually can't make fun of him for not blogging in months as of January 15th. That is the day he wrote a post about winter and winter plants. Tom is a wonderful guy and a wonderful gardener, but we sure do wish he'd write them old-timey blog posts more often!

Wymyn

Menopause is like being on ecstasy on a rocketship ride.

Sizzler and Sizzler

Kids in the Hall - Sizzler Sisters - One Insane Person

PPPPRRRRICKS!!!!!!!!

Universal Pictures

Galaxies Colliding

Little Ghost Nebula

Primordial Quasar

Find more at APOD index (Astronomy Picture of the Day).

Best of Craigslist: Pooping in a Groundhog Hole

To my neighbor who I saw pooping in his yard yesterday - w4m

I saw you crouched down with your pants around your ankles. I asked, "Hey, what are you doing?" Your reply was: "Pooping in a groundhog hole! I read about it online. It's suppose to trick the groundhog into thinking another animal has moved into its lair."

Since you are normally a sane person I refrained from calling the police.

Best of Craigslist: I'd Like to Reimburse You For the Detergent You Washed Your Crapped Pants With After You Tried To Mug Me

To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah)

I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.

I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside.

You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh?

It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it? I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants.

I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I also took the liberty of calling your mother, and explaining to her your situation.

I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.

I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones.

Alltel recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it. Oh well.

So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder?

I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace!

Alex

A Gnome

Thanks to my co-questers for not telling me I looked wickedly gnomish in this hat...NOT.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I don't think he's pranking us, because it's hard to play a prank unless people are interested enough to give a shit what you're up to. And watching a guy act like a drunk on the New York subway is not interesting, or amusing, or enlightening. He ought to go take a long nap and then consider the alternatives.
~Joseph S. Gelmis, on the downfall of Joaquin Phoenix

Happy Birthday, Em!!

Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!
You love you some pickles...
And you talk to them too!

The Mind Is Fragile

You may have heard about Joaquin Phoenix's recent decision to retire from acting. Supposedly this decision was made in the wake of learning the guitar for his role as Johnny Cash in Walk the Line. Word was he wanted to "explore" his inner feelings through music.

Then there was this.

Seriously? He's becoming a rapper?? And Diddy is producing his first album? (Or was, anyway, before this farcical appearance in Las Vegas.)

For me, the drugs and/or prank explanations don't fly. He seems fucked up but sober--in both senses of the word. Something very bad has clearly happened to him, though.

If you are on Facebook, please join the non-profit group Save Joaquin From Himself to fight for our cause. What should really be written on his hands in this picture? H-E-L-P M-E.

Wheeze the Juice!

It's hard to believe that Brendan Fraser (above in Encino Man, 1992) is now forty and still starring in crappy but enjoyable flicks, like Journey to the Center of the Earth, which I watched recently. (I also liked the first Mummy film, but George of the Jungle just made me feel lost inside.) I saw Encino Man when it first came out, at the tender age of twelve, when its star was twice my age (what babies we were!) and Pauly Shore was actually semi-cool and had something of a following. That really does seem like ancient history now...

Pantless in Seattle...Well, IHOP

This picture is not funny, but this story really is.

Meatloaf

What the FUCK do you want??

Blog Roll: Part II

DR. GONZO
Author of Doctor Gonzo Feelgood, Ph.D. This depraved harlot lives at the Tiki Ti in Los Angeles. She would like her underpants back.

JEN

Author of Scurrilous Tosh. (Yes, I had to look up both of those words, too.) Jen shares my affinity for gnome culture and Pre-Raphaelite art. I like to call her blogging style "Palatka with Panache."

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I would like to request a moment of silence to mourn the fact that nothing I do matters."
~S.E.G.

Blog Roll: Part I

Today I thought I'd give a big shout out (HIYO!!!!!!!!!) to some of the awesome blogs I read and the terrifically talented bloggers who write them. It's kind of a long list, so I'm going to do it in two parts (and no particular order).

EMILY

Author of Garden Living and Wacahoota Wonders. Emily lives on a farm with some kids, a man, a bunch of masked cows, a Christmas forest, a sinkhole, bottom-feeding fish, prehistoric reptiles, a pig, goats, a rooster and hen, a couple of dogs, and various other creatures. She is a lively, accomplished lady who beat me to the surface of the earth by precisely three months. She comes of hardy Florida cracker stock and has pioneered her own way in this lifetime as well.

SARAH

Author of Florida Ecomania. Sarah is a Gainesville-bred, world-traveled, Dutch-speaking, vegetarian, hippie-influenced chick with sophisticated language skills, deep knowledge of and appreciation for the land and its plant and animal inhabitants, a fiercely honest disposition, and a wicked sense of humor. She has been an incredible mentor and editor for me. She also hates having her picture put online--hence the silhouette.

KIM

Author of Cannas and Bananas. Kim is a sassy crafter as well as a horticultural expert. She can fashion a clock out of a plate, an advent calendar out of Altoids tins, and purses out of clothes. When Em and I were struggling to attach the GPS to the car windshield on our recent trip, we wished Kim were there to make a sticky device out of a tampon and a paper clip. Kim dresses well, loves New Orleans, and has a famous fundraiser smile she can turn on at will. She is unfailingly generous and will help with anything. I could not have made my Christmas camping trip to the Everglades without all the gear she loaned me.