Goat Escape

Apparently the goats broke free the other night. Emily's husband John had to go round them up and then fix the fence they had sneaked out under. Emily says they are so tame all John had to do was call, "Goats! Goats!" and they came right back. Hopefully I won't have to deal with runaway goats when I go out to the farm on Saturday!

New Flick Hits Home Run

If you haven't seen Step Brothers yet, go see it immediately. I laughed my ass off during every scene.
Mary Steenburgen: Today, I witnessed my own son use a bicycle as a weapon. And you screamed "rape" at the top of your lungs.

Will Ferrell: I totally thought he was gonna rape me for a second. He had this look in his eye.

John C. Reilly: I am so not a raper.

My Goat

I own the back half of the brown goat shown here. I will be visiting him for the first time this weekend, so I hope to have some more shots to post next week.

I Want to Believe (this week)

Peeps

This is for Erin, who fears Peeps.

Gnomophobia

Moving quickly to the top of my list of fears is: The Gnome. Wikipedia calls it "a mythological creature characterized by extremely small size and subterranean lifestyle." They're creepy. They're small. They turn on their own. Next stop is my house, where they will come in the night to kill me.

The Surprise of the Cone

Surprises come in all shapes, and this is one that was waiting for me on my desk chair at work this morning. If you can picture the male cycad cone (shown above) separated from its plant, wilted into a banana shape, and then placed on the chair in an upturned, tusklike fashion, you can begin to imagine my surprise when I entered my dark office and found its tip protruding over my computer keyboard.

Regrettably, I did not have my digital camera handy, but I was able to capture some telling shots on my cell phone. Suspects are currently being interviewed in the storage closet.

Amendment to Capital Crime #8

The watching of the M. Night Blahblahblahblah movie Signs is acceptable. All others will result in hideous death. Thank you.

Capital Crime #8

This crime is also punishable by death on Whore Island:

#8: Watching M. Night Shayalaman movies.

Florida Story # 786

Read here the amazing (but true!) story of the Fort Pierce woman who smacked her boyfriend in the face with a toilet seat for smoking cocaine in their bathroom. (Regrettably, the weapon of choice was not the "cordless lighted" toilet seat shown here, which also no doubt finds its origins in my state.)

Alachua County: Question of the Day

Florida Story #144

It's one of those Florida stories that's too weird to be true--almost. Click here to read the story of the Burmese python that swallowed an Everglandes alligator and BURST. Huh huh--cool!

Moral: Never eat anything bigger than your body.

The Real Dixie Chicks

Go See It

I Wasn't There, But...

I wasn't able to attend my friends' double birthday party (July 18th) this year, so instead I'm ruthlessly stealing photos of them off of Facebook and posting them here.

The Birthday Kids: Than & Katrina


My childhood girlfriends: Sarah and Katrina (both married now).


The boys: not changed a bit (Dave, Than, Rob)


Than & Dave


Jeff & Dave M. smoking cigars


Than blows out the candles while Katrina looks on


Dancing on the tennis deck


The Beautiful Birthday Girl


Stripping?


And this is how I'll leave them: at their finest. I love you all!

Need I say more?

Will Ferrell as Bush

Charlie The Unicorn

For those with a strong interest in magical leoplurodons.

Charlie bit my finger - again !

P.S.

The "I Like Turtles" kid will hold a high government position on Whore Island, from which he will exercise control over many people's lives. Underwear will be optional. Billy Joel will be burned in effigy on Piano Man Day, a revolving calendar holiday that may sometimes occur more than once a year. Trailers, buses, RVs, and tents will be strongly encouraged as forms of housing. Tom Green will write the Constitution, and Will Ferrel will be the Secretary of State. Drugs will be legal (duh!). Into the Wild will be required reading. Banishment will be another favorite form of punishment, as will public humiliation (particularly involving nudity and bugs), locking in small dark underground rooms, whipping, and denial of whipped cream and/or favored snack. The Black Francis will be the national cocktail. The capital city plan will be based on the Brooklyn neighborhood Red Hook.

My Home on Whore Island

Nur and I are starting our own country, Whore Island, where no taxes will be levied except for against the rich and there will be free healthcare and education for everyone. Anybody who overcharges for crappy products or workmanship will be immediately sentenced to death. Here is a list of other crimes that will be punishable by death on Whore Island:

#1: Assholism!

#2: Pretension.

#3: Bad driving.

#4: Being mean to puppies, kitties, or children.

#5: Violating the national ban on Billy Joel.

#6: Enjoying yourself with a group of late-twenty-somethings over dinner and drinks at a trendy bar or restaurant or at someone's Yuppily-furnished loft. This one is preceeded by several hours of torture.

#7: Gentrifying cool neighborhoods.

Zombie Kid Likes Turtles

He likes them turtles!

FREDDY GOT FINGERED - CLIMAX - PSYCHOLOGIST SCENE

I wanna eat chicken burgers!!!

Stealing Harvard - Toothbrush Scene

Good scene from a highly underrated movie starring Tom Green and Jason Lee and directed by Kids in the Hall alum Bruce McCullough.

Goat Hope

Gregory, the Terrible Eater was one of my favorite childhood books. It taught me that goats enjoy eating everything, even tin cans and old boots. It was, in part, the inspiration for my current goat-craving. Today may be the day that John calls about some goats for us. Emily and John have been discussing amongst themselves which is the most docile breed. Emily thinks she can teach a goat to pull a cart. I have my doubts.

My Favorite Dubya Blooper

Ha ha ha!

Will Ferrell as Dubya on Global Warming

Adam and Eve drove an Excursion.

We Got Tickets!!

...to see our favorite country boy in his signature white cowboy hat perform LIVE at the UF O-Dome on October 2nd, 2008. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Brad Paisley to Gainesville! (And many thanks to Emily, who got up at 7 a.m. on Saturday to buy the tickets.)

Will farrel takes a dart in the jugular

For once, Will Ferrel is actually the straight man in a scene.

Birthday Greetings from Joe Cocker

Sick People Make Sick Talk

This conversation was overheard in a local asylum for the chemically and mentally unhinged. It should serve as a warning to all youth against the use of drugs, booze, sex, and . . . other fun things . . . at too early an age.


Patient #1: I can't believe you deleted my "kick him in the balls" comment you whore! Is "balls" not appropriate language? School me, you used to be a teacher, yo. Gatsby's got mad props!

Patient #2: I was mad at you for having a dirty whorish mouth. Besides, I love Billy Joel's balls. I want to lick them. Big, hairy balls. Mmm.

Patient #1: Eeeeeeew! Hairy? Please make him shave them before you lick them, otherwise it's just too gross.

Patient #2: No! I like me some hairy balls. Elephant, hairy, sweaty balls.

Patient #1: EEEEWW! Elephant? Like all wrinkly and scaly and rough?

Patient #2: Yes. And ginormous. And gray.

Patient #1: And rancid, I would imagine. I wonder if any weirdo fetishist guy ever got a hand job from an elephant, their trunks are quite dexterous. I bet Billy Joel would do that because he's a dirty whore with huge, smelly, hairy elephant balls. Billy Joel is an elephant fucker.

Patient #2: BJ = EF.

Patient #1: I'm getting a tattoo that says that, immediately.

Patient #2: Ha ha. This is kind of terrible, but Billy Joel's face kind of looks like fucking an elephant, or like the result of someone who did fuck an elephant, or like someone who would fuck an elephant.

Patient #1: Maybe one of his parents was an elephant?

Patient #2: Or an elephant ball.

Patient #1: He should have been drowned at birth.


Please Note: This text is a verbatim transcript of a conversation between two lunatics. It does not reflect Dixie Starr's views on Billy Joel, handjobs, elephants, balls, trunks, whores, or The Great Gatsby. Thank you.

Daily Horror

RAT KING
A mythological creature created of rats intertwined at the tails and cemented together with blood and excrement. Read here to find out more about this predominantly German phenomenon.

"Muffin Top" Now Considered Technical Term

American English, ever evolving, now apparently includes "muffin top" in its professional, technical vocabulary to describe the unflattering bunches of fat that appear on women's waists when they wear tight-belted, low jeans. Watching the evening news, Todd came across a report on plastic surgery in which a newscaster remarked, in all earnestness: "And THIS woman had her muffin top removed." I'm not sure whether I find the mutilation of the woman or the language more upsetting.

Feast


I drank at every vine.
The last was like the first.
I came upon no wine
So wonderful as thirst.

I gnawed at every root.
I ate of every plant.
I came upon no fruit
So wonderful as want.

Feed the grape and bean
To the vintner and monger;
I will lie down lean
With my thirst and my hunger.

- Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892-1950)

Get It?

Ha ha.

Nur & Me

This picture was made for us. It includes our favorite nasty name we use on each other.

Miss Alachua County 2008

Awesome Flick Awakens Primal Urges

MONGOL
I am myself Mongolian, and this film makes me want to cling to a wildly galloping horse with just my thighs while holding swords hilt to hilt at chest level so that I may slash my enemies' sides open. I'm not kidding. It awakened primal feelings in me. They say in the film that every Mongol is afraid of thunder and lightning, which explains a few things. And they say that a woman should have strong legs and narrow eyes, which makes me feel rather proud of myself. Also, I like to fight and will remorselessly destroy anyone who crosses me.