I will now try therapeutically expressing myself as random images harvested off the Internet. This is me, today.
3.26.2008
Visual Manifestation
I will now try therapeutically expressing myself as random images harvested off the Internet. This is me, today.
3.21.2008
Rise of the Gnome
"Gnome Panic" is sweeping the international community! Click here for the full story of the Argentinian, sideways-hopping gnome who terrorizes packs of teens at one a.m. Be sure to watch the video all the way through! Then read the following for more on the Rise of the Gnome!
3.18.2008
Wedding Crasher
This is not a joke. This a real life wedding-crashing team of one--my friend Than, better known as "The Thanimal." In case you can't identify him, he is on the far right with the wine-stained teeth. This is him at Ned's wedding. At Laura's wedding, Than put a peanut in his ear canal and Ashley had to remove it with a pair of tweezers.
3.17.2008
"You Have To Make Some Allowances For Feminine Psychology."
An excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine. This was written for male supervisors of women in the work force during World War II. Not so much has changed--while I was getting my interview gyno exam, I had to elaborate on my ability to deal efficiently with the public.
1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they’re less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn’t be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.
2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It’s always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.
3. General experience indicates that “husky” girls--those who are just a little on the heavy side--are more even-tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.
4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination--one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.
5. Stress at the outset the importance of time, the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.
6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they’ll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.
7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.
8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.
9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can’t shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman--it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.
10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl’s husband or father may swear vociferously, she’ll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.
11. Get enough size variety in operator’s uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can’t be stressed too much in keeping women happy.
Such sage advice!
QUOTE OF THE DAY
And the license said you had to stick around
until I was dead
But if you're tired of looking at my face
I guess I already am.
-Liz Phair, "Divorce Song"
until I was dead
But if you're tired of looking at my face
I guess I already am.
-Liz Phair, "Divorce Song"
3.14.2008
Brilliant New Blog
Actually I'm not sure how new this is, but for me, it's a fine new discovery. The blog Stuff White People Like lists many favorite items of the melanin-deficient. If you are not white, but white-curious, check it out for what you should be interested in, like "Outdoor Performance Clothes" and "The Wire." Very cool.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Drink is not the only thing to which I am addicted," he said. "There is something else. I am a lover and have not found my thing to love. That is a big point if you know enough to realize what I mean. It makes my destruction inevitable, you see. There are few who understand that."
-Sherwood Anderson, "Tandy," Winesburg, Ohio
-Sherwood Anderson, "Tandy," Winesburg, Ohio
3.13.2008
QUOTE OF THE DAY
Why kid? Aren't grownups, poet, brave enough to dream?
Best ask the crested waves that drive salt spume into Florida.
-Eric Bliman,
"Florida Room"
3.12.2008
My Apologies...
...for my schizoid blog. Apparently while I was in Crystal River today it decided to post multiple copies of You Tube videos I had asked it to post (and failed) about a week ago. I have rectified the situation, hopefully. Unless HAL now controls You Tube, in which case you will soon hear no more from me, as I shall be drifting away into outer space.
3.11.2008
Florida Friend # 996
This is my friend Dewanda. She lives in Lawtey, Florida (voted Second Worst Town in the Continental United States). Dewanda is some kind of bookkeeper at the state prison, where she witnessed the execution of the Gainesville Ripper last year. I met her at the Waffle House, where she eats five meals a day. She has seven children, all by different fathers, all of whose names begin with the prefix "De-."
Hire These Wheels
For nursing assistance in Alachua County, call Dixie's friend Crystal Lee at 1-800-RX-TARTE.
3.10.2008
3.07.2008
QUOTE OF THE DAY
But for us--for me:
no stone, no words,
nothing to mark time by,
and no place,
no you,
no gathering.
-from "Kansas"
no stone, no words,
nothing to mark time by,
and no place,
no you,
no gathering.
-from "Kansas"
3.06.2008
There are many stunning and vile photographs of Bret floating around out there, but these are truly amazing. I mean, there is one of the guy performing at his own concert wearing a T-shirt with his name on it and a picture of himself. The sad part is, almost every man I know would do the same if he had the balls.
3.05.2008
Oops--I Did It Again!
Now I'm not just sleepwalking -- I'm apparently sleeptalking, too. When Todd called me at 7 p.m. last night to offer me veggie burger and frozen squash for dinner, from the depths of a nap I not only baselessly refused the food but told him to "stick the squash where the sun don't shine." I woke up an hour later with only a vague memory of the incident.
People Who Watch X-Files More Likely To Get Abducted by Aliens
The truth is "out there": Studies have found that, statistically, humans who spend three or more hours a week watching old episodes of The X-Files on DVD are more likely to wake up with strange puncture wounds on their bodies and memories of floating above their beds.
If you would like to find yourself a victim of alien abduction, I recommend ordering some of the older seasons (One and Two, especially) on Netflix and devoting a few hours a week to developing your paranoid delusions.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"You understand," he said, "that in a society dominated by the fact of commercial competition, money is necessarily the test of prowess, and wastefulness the sole criterion of power."
-Upton Sinclair, The Jungle
-Upton Sinclair, The Jungle
3.04.2008
My Boyfriend: Inventor of the Dickwig
Yes, it's true: I'm dating a real live inventor. When, in jest, my clever boyfriend invented "the dickwig," we assumed it was a creation already thought of by mankind. Who, in pubic distress, in the absence of proper scrotal hirsuiteness, would not have imagined a wig for that area -- a wig store, even, specializing in different colors, textures, sizes . . .
Yet it's true. Google searches have proven "dickwig" to be an as-yet unpatented term, the product itself as yet unavailable to a potentially enormous market. Todd is now working on getting the proper licensing from the government to go into business. Below are some samples from his portfolio:
The Caveman. The major dickwig. For those with extreme pubic baldness.
The Smarmy Socialist. Unpleasantly suave, this one nevertheless considers the needs of his fellow workingmen, presuming to take but a bit of uninteresting hair for his own groin.
The Mendicant. For those with pious leanings.
We hope to make the dickwig available at drug and beauty-aid stores across the nation by fall 2008. We will keep our reading public informed.
Inventor of the dickwig.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
The city, however, does not tell its past, but contains it like the lines of a hand, written in the corners of streets, the gratings of the windows, the banisters of the steps, the antennae of the lightning rods, the poles of the flags, every segment marked in turn with scratches, indentations, scrolls.
-Italo Calvino, Invisible Cities, "Cities + Memory 3"
-Italo Calvino, Invisible Cities, "Cities + Memory 3"
3.03.2008
An Oscar From Dixie
Dear George Clooney:
I think you should have won the Oscar hands-down for Best Actor this year, for your role in Michael Clayton (which should have won best screenplay or best picture or something -- maybe it did -- I don't watch TV). Anyway, I'm not as verbose as my film critic father, but I will say that you outshone Daniel Day-Lewis's typical yelling maniac in every way. Your performance was subtle, brilliant, and provocative, and I love you for it. Mr. Clooney, I give you this Oscar:
I have touched it to many special parts of my body before presenting it to you.
Love,
Dixie Starr
The Miracle of the Muffins
A new saint has recently found his way into the Vatican's cannon: Saint Tood of North Florida, whose miraculous powers include making muffins reappear in new containers.
Black Adder II -
From one of my favorite Blackadder episodes -- Elizabethan Blackadder is visited by his Puritan aunt and uncle, while hosting a drunken brawl in the next room.
Bonnie & Todd
Todd's mom came to visit G'ville this weekend. This is a picture of outlaws "Bonnie & Todd" getting gelato.
3.02.2008
3.01.2008
Best Entrance Ever Young Ones
In that case, why isn't Cliff Richard boring, clever trousers?? Tell me THAT!!
Darth Vader Rap
This is pretty awesome. My friend Polly sent this to me. You muthafuckas 'bout to see a Dark Side!
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