How Did I Spend My Last Two Years?

Sort of like this.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

And I stood in the midnight valley, watching the great starfields
Flash and flower in the wished-for reaches of heaven.
That's when I, the dog they call Spot, began to sing.
-Mark Strand (a poet I would sleep with), from "Five Dogs"

Dixie To See Dentist

On August 21st Dixie will see a Shands dentist and professor in the UF College of Dentistry for her first-ever exam in Florida. She moved here and, like many Floridians, stopped caring about dental hygeine. This will now be corrected.

Death Comes for the Archartist

We mourn today the death of Ingmar Bergman, 89, on the lonely Swedish isle of Faro. He did what all great men do -- gave something of himself to us, and left the world a little different. We love you, Mr. B.

Manahatta

1608
2006

Starting from fish-shape Paumanok, where I was born,
Well-begotten, and rais’d by a perfect mother;
After roaming many lands—lover of populous pavements;
Dweller in Mannahatta, my city—or on southern savannas...
Solitary, singing in the West, I strike up for a New World.
-Walt Whitman, Starting from Paumanock (1900)

Poopsicle

I was Google searching "snake handling" when I came across this gem. Critics promise it's "like Brokeback Mountain, but with more snake handling!" At first I was frightened, but then I thought: A gay Southern wrestling snake-handling porn movie? That sounds hot. I'd see that.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

(for the "Georgia" of the post below)


I lifted my glass. The only thing I enjoy more than lifting my glass is lifting the cork, on a new bottle. I lifted the cork on a new bottle. "Health to the republic!" I proposed. We drank to that.
-Donald Barthelme,
"Critique de la Vie Quotidienne"

Overheard Dialogue

Over Sunday brunch, at a popular restaurant in Gainesville, this snippet of conversation was heard between two people sitting at a table of eight or so. The first speaker, a curly-haired girl, early twenties; the second, a tall dark-haired boy, early thirties. We wonder who was the "Georgia" they spoke of.

Girl: So why didn't you want her to drink more?
Boy: Because usually, when Georgia drinks, it's almost a medical emergency.

Eating Rotten Shark

These poor sad bastards don't know any better. Save the Icelanders.

Lady We Like

KIM RICHEY
American singer/songwriter

Kim (born in a suburb of Dayton, Ohio) has put out six albums in the last twelve years, and each one is a world unto itself. Not only are the songs eclectic, but each new album pushes forward her sound, her style, her thoughts. You get to know her a little better with every one; you can see her developing, like the albums are diaries of sound. She's one of those artists who keeps getting better -- and more uncategorizable. Typically considered a country singer, her songs have also been hits on pop charts, and made nods to folk, hard rock, and Latin. Big country stars like Trisha and the Dixie Chicks recognize Kim's true talent and have helped get her noticed. Her albums include the self-titled Kim Richey (1995), Bitter Sweet (1997), Glimmer (1999), Rise (2002), The Collection (2004), and Chinese Boxes (released July 10th, 2007).

spies like us - doctor

Ever been to a scientists' conference? It's a lot like this. And then there was us, going, "Where's the free food and coffee?"

Oh, I wish I was in the land of cotton,
Old times there are not forgotten, {Alt Original: Cinnamon seed and sandy bottom,]
Look away, look away, look away Dixie Land.

In Dixie Land, where I was born in,
early on one frosty mornin',
Look away, look away, look away Dixie Land.

I wish I was in Dixie, Hooray! Hooray!
In Dixie Land I'll take my stand
to live and die in Dixie.
Away, away, away down south in Dixie.
Away, away, away down south in Dixie

Optional Verses

Ole Missus marry "Will the weaver"
Willum was a gay deceiver
Look away! Look away! Look away!
Dixie Land

But when he put his arm around 'er,
He smiled fierce as a forty pounder,
Look away! Look away! Look away!
Dixie Land

His face was sharp as a butcher's cleaver
But that did not seem to grieve 'er
Look away! Look away! Look away!
Dixie Land

Ole Missus acted the foolish part
And died for a man that broke her heart
Look away! Look away! Look away!
Dixie Land

Now here's a health to the next ole Missus
An' all the gals that want to kiss us;
Look away! Look away! Look away!
Dixie Land

But if you want to drive 'way sorrow
Come and hear this song tomorrow
Look away! Look away! Look away!
Dixie Land

There's buckwheat cakes and Injun batter,
Makes you fat or a little fatter;
Look away! Look away! Look away!
Dixie Land

Then hoe it down and scratch your gravel,
To Dixie's Land I'm bound to travel,
Look away! Look away! Look away!
Dixie Land

-Daniel Decatur Emmett, Mt. Vernon, Ohio
September 1859
Song of the Confederacy
Lincoln's inauguration song

Florida Fact

Remember the odds. Since 1948, only about 350 people have been attacked by alligators in Florida, and only nineteen of those attacks were fatal.
-from the UF/IFAS website ("Alligator Facts and Safety Tips")

"Open Marriage" Found to be Bohemian Bullshit

I'm so, so sick of people who try to make adultery sound like something deep and enlightened. You were drunk and you screwed around. I'm not impressed. Stop it, stop it, stop it.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Never a voice so true."
-Kim Richey

Sir Percival,
The Grail Knight

Terrible Movie Makes People Unhappy

Nicholas Cage, looking weirder than ever, whips around Puget Sound island with pagans in the worst-written movie in many a moon--remake of the 1973 "Wicker Man." Remakes are a strange concept in general, and in this case, the original movie was bad enough, yet they still remade it, and remade it worse. My favorite line was Nick Cage's demand, aiming a gun at a raven-masked woman, to "step aWAY from the bike!!" That he burns up alive at the end was the film's only redeeming quality. Also starring Ellen Burstyn as the nightgowned pagan empress Sister Summersisle and Leelee Sobieski as a typically buxom, cherubic, sex-crazed, ax-wielding barmaid (which you'd think might be awesome, but they still managed to f it up). The film made no sense and was full of lines that make you cringe ("Madam, you seem to forget that this is a legal matter!"). End credits begin with the dedication "For Johnny Ramone." Johnny must be turning in his grave.

Beloveds' Birthdays

Dixie neglected to mention that JULY 18TH was the birthday of two of her oldest and most beloved friends in the world. Dixie has been sick -- please forgive the falling country star for forgetting to wish these two beautiful creatures a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Please send belated birthday wishes to KATRINA (with her husband Joe) and THAN (the blond on the left, with his brother Jeff).

Lady We Like

Kelly Clarkson
Pop singer
Age: 25
Birthday: April 24
Home: Fort Worth, TX

I really don't have a good reason for liking Kelly, other than that she's got a couple good tunes, she's cute, and she's another awesome April child. Why are so many cool people born in April? To name a few others--Shakespeare, Donald Barthelme, Frank Black, Dixie Starr. Also, Kelly is a quarter Greek, like Dixie's friend Georgia.

Worried about whether your cult is a destructive cult? Worry no more. Read the following LINK to determine whether or not you belong to a group of minions deliberately misled by a messianic, manipulative guru.

Note: Those who have survived an M.F.A. program in Creative Writing may find the last item of particular interest: The cult appears to be innovative and exclusive. The leader claims to be breaking with tradition, offering something novel...While claiming this, the cult then surreptitiously uses systems of psychological coercion on its members to inhibit their ability to examine the actual validity of the claims of the leader and the cult. Hmm.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Death, where is thy sting? Not in Gainesville, Fla."
-Melvin Maddocks
"In Florida: A Life and Death Class", Time, Dec. 3, 1979

Floridiana

Need another reason to be a proud Floridian? We didn't think so. But just in case you'd forgotten all that the U.S.'s weirdest state has to offer, here begins a series on famous Florida places.

About two hours south of Gainesville, a bottomless freshwater spring wells up from the limestone bedrock and becomes a river flowing twelves miles west to the Gulf of Mexico. Built around the spring is a neglected theme park, featuring abandoned candy stores, a derelict riverboat, and the seediest waterpark you'll ever see, Buccaneer Bay. For a mere fifteen dollars you can wander the paths with wild peacocks, browse the crowded but excellent gift store, and -- most importantly -- experience the life-changing mermaid shows in the spectacular underwater theater.

For sixty years, Weeki Wachee Springs has been home to the world-famous mermaids who perform live underwater, using air hoses to breathe. The half-hour shows feature a complete story (the one we saw was "The Little Mermaid") acted out by costumed characters who sing, dance, and lip-sync at a depth of 20 feet in currents of up to 5 mph. Ex-diver Newt Perry started the business in 1947, recruiting local girls and teaching them the same frogman techniques he had used to train Navy cadets. He also taught the girls to smile, drink grape soda, and do acrobatics underwater.



In those days, U.S. 19 was a tiny, two-lane highway. Cars were few and far between. When they heard one coming, the girls would rush out to the road in their bathing suits and beckon, then jump in the spring to perform. Throughout the 50s, the spring's popularity grew, until it was finally bought in 1959 by ABC. The corporation began pumping money into the park, replacing the 18-seat theater with a 500-seat one, and developing themes, music, and storylines for the shows. Famous visitors of the 60s included The King himself.



But this one of Florida's oldest roadside attractions has fallen on hard times, despite being the setting for British rock group Supergrass's music video "Low C" and appearing in the Florida film Full Grown Men. Corporate distinterest and large-scale neglect led to the purchase of the park by the feisty City of Weeki Wachee Springs, population 9, mayored by an ex-mermaid. The Save Our Tails campaign continues.



Please visit the springs and help save a piece of true Floridiana. You won't regret the trip. The mermaid show lasted half an hour but it has truly changed my life. The strength it takes to perform the physical feats, the coordination of acting in sync with music and lines you can't even understand how they can hear, and the ease with which they smile and seem to enjoy themselves in pretty terrifying circumstances, is stunning. And the images haunt you. I'll never forget that show as long as I live.

I recently found this comment posted in response to the story about the New Hampshire man who robbed a bank with tree branches duct-taped to his head (and no weapon). Whoever wrote this is a genius. And is apparently able to see my dreams.


I can imagine your local chapter of the Son of Sam club throwing a glorious hot dog party (also serving plain hamburgers, NO ketchup, NO mustard, on damp sesame seed buns)and inviting:
1/ This tree guy
2/ The perpetrator of the Blood Event
3/ The victim of the blood event
4/ That PhD who had the vagina-removal surgery
5/ Padgett ( whose chair would sit, empty at the table, all night long, with a sweaty bun waiting for him on the place setting, if he decided not to go)

Please Save American Manhood

Make checks payable to SAM

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Beachcombers will know whether these are the genuine rubber ducks as they will have the words "The First Years" stamped upon them.

Duck Armada Nears Britain

Read the story!

Opening Thought

We never realized how much of life was going to be devoted to just holding it together.

An Excellent Word

MERETRICIOUS
adj.
alluring, tawdry, flashy, vulgar, whorish, based on pretense or deception.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"For it is intolerable to live constantly with one human being who perceives one's small meannesses. It is really death to do so -- that is why so many marriages turn out unhappily."
-Ford Madox Ford

Blogs Are the New Punk

Remember the days of glory when any rotten kids could start a band with nothing more than three chords and some attitude? Well, those days are here again -- only instead of forming punk bands, the kids make blogs. Please visit the blog of a very good friend and classmate of Dixie Starr's from her New York days. Especially enjoy the "leprechaun in Mobile" videos. The news clip is real -- from a local station.

Leaves of Grass

Today and tomorrow, Dixie has the pleasure of performing at the 7th Annual Turfgrass Festival in Gainesville and Citra, Florida. The Festival includes John Deere products for sale, barbecue for a thousand by a Pandhandle sod grower, folk music, and, of course, lots of grass plot viewing by lawn care, golf course, pesticide operator, and fertilizer professionals. Dixie hopes to pick up a sunburned boyfriend who does something with dirt for a living.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"White folks is a miracle of affliction."
-Alice Walker, The Color Purple

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"His armor is his unseriousness."
-Walker Percy

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Then I know that a part of the beauty is the fight to keep it, and that all good things do not come too easily and must perpetually be fought for. Our test is in our recognition of our love and our willingness to do battle for it."
-Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings

Saturday Is Saara Day

Today we wish to wish our friend Saara Raappana a very happy birthday. Saara is a good person and a talented poet. We are celebrating her birthday tonight at Satchel's and The Ole Barn. I can't seem to upload a picture of her right now, but I do still have an article from The Alligator that was written about her first reading at Goering's Bookstore. I hope she doesn't mind.

"Raappana's poems covered a wide range of themes. A hatred of laundromats inspired her to write one of my favorites. Like Raappana, haven't we all wished for 30 more pairs of underpants to stall the washing process?"

WORD.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Thou art my father, thou my author, thou
My being gav'st me; whom should I obey
But thee, whom follow? thou wilt bring me soon
To that new world of light and bliss, among
The gods who live at ease, where I shall reign
At thy right hand voluptuous, as beseems
Thy daughter and thy darling, without end.
-Milton, Paradise Lost, Book II:864-70

Least Attractive Movie Star Ever

John Payne
c. 1945
If you've never heard of this guy, don't feel bad.

PIXIES
Frank Black
Kim Deal
Dave Lovering
Joey Santiago

formed Boston, MA, 1985

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I miss your kissin
and I miss your head
and a letter in your writin
doesn't mean you're not dead

Run outside
in the desert heat
get your dress all wet
and send it to me.
-Pixies, "Cactus"

Graduation (Belated)

These are pictures of the May 3rd graduation ceremony of several Masters of Fine Arts students -- friends of Dixie's -- from the esteemed MFA@FLA program at the University of Florida, Gainesville. Fortunately Dr. Doise is a photographer as well as a Cajun, and he captured these life-changing moments.


Saara & Eric, getting ready to go


Wiffer & Marianne, on the phone


Georgia with cap hair


Blurry graduation, Georgia in flip-flops


Sharon and Brek, at dinner at The Paramount Grill


Sean and his mama, who came all the way from Tucson. They were tired.

Opening Thought

Women are good people. Usually a celebrator of the more traditionally masculine virtues, today Dixie takes off her cowboy hat to the women in her life. These women have consistently shown her unconditional love, caring, and unselfishness. Not a man Dixie knows can compare. Here's to Deborah, Katrina, Saara, Meg, Marianne, Leah, Laurie, Jadh, Caitlin, and Nur.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I wish to do the right thing always, to love the right people."
-Joyce Carol Oates, Man Crazy

Lady We Like

Scarlett Johansson
22
American actress
I like this girl. I think she's sexy.

Brannon Stagleaf . . . this one is for you.

The Boston Globe
Man disguised as tree robs bank
July 8, 2007

MANCHESTER, N.H. --A weekend bank robbery involved multiple branches -- of the leafy variety.

According to police, a man with tree branches duct-taped to his head and torso walked into a Citizens Bank just as it opened Saturday morning and demanded cash from a teller. Police said the disguise was the most bizarre they'd ever seen.

"He really went out on a limb," Sgt. Ernie Goodno said Sunday.

The robber, who showed no weapon, fled with an undisclosed amount of cash. Though the branches and leaves obscured much of the man's face, someone who saw images from the bank's security camera recognized the robber and called police.

James Coldwell, 49, of Manchester, was arrested at his home early Sunday morning. He was expected to be arraigned Monday.

© Copyright 2007 Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

HOGWASH
n: meaningless or insincere talk or writing; nonsense.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I drank at every vine.
The last was like the first.
I came upon no wine
So wonderful as thirst.
-Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Feast"

Post Script

. . . to the entry below. The "family business" was a Gainesville septic company.

Lucky Escape # 987

Spring '06. Kentuckian friends Troy and Alison decide what Dixie needs is a smart redneck boyfriend and so arrange a cornhole date (this is not dirty--Dixie is a card-carrying member of the American Cornhole Society, thank you, Troy) in their backyard, complete with dog, mud, and beer.

The gentleman caller is the son of Alison's boss, a big handsome boy preparing to take over his family business, and apparently gifted with a wad of soft cotton between his well-shaped ears. Date over, Dixie (having unwillingly hugged the prospective goodbye), goes back to the yard to find Troy slumped in a chair by his tomato plants, face in his hands. "Train wreck," he says. "Train wreck." "It's not your fault," Dixie says. "You tried." "I'm so sorry," he says. "It's okay," she says.

And it is. A month later, the gentleman caller has impregnated the girl he took out two nights following his cornhole soiree with Dixie, and the wedding plans are underway. That was Lucky Escape #987.

Listened to this morning

AC/DC
"Shoot to Thrill"

There is nothing like cruising around Gainesville in a cowboy hat.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"If you must be mad, why should you be mad for the things of the world? If you must be mad, be mad for God alone."
-The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna

Georgia Song of the Day

"Midnight Train to Georgia"
1973
Gladys Knight & The Pips
Written by: Jim Weatherly
First released on: Imagination LP, Buddah Records
Winner: 1974 Grammy Award for Best R&B Vocal Performance by a Duo, Group, or Chorus
Inducted: Grammy Hall of Fame (1999)
Ranked #432 Rolling Stone's "500 Greatest Songs of All Time"
Plot: Girl follows loser musician boyfriend ("he kept dreaming that someday he'd be a superstar, but he didn't get far") back to Georgia, since L.A. "proved too much for the man" and he's "going back to find what's left of his world."
Best Line: "I'd rather live in his world than live without him in mine."
P.S. Dixie loves this song, and would herself much rather live in Georgia than L.A.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I am The Cobras."
-Dr. Eric Doise

Gainesville Chosen As Site of the Second Coming

July 8, 2007 11:12 a.m.

GAINESVILLE, Fla. -- It's true that in small towns, when a young person suffers, there are only two explanations: If it's a boy, he's on drugs; if it's a girl, she's pregnant.

Sometimes this oversimplification turns out to be accurate. In the past two weeks, local celebrity DIXIE STARR has been noted to have dizzy spells, bouts of hunger, moodiness, and fainting. At least five people have suggested to her that the explanation could be not low blood sugar, a tumor, or liver disease, but PREGNANCY.

"I laughed it off at first," said Starr, who is, for all intents and purposes, a virgin. "But then I started thinking back on little things--like that angel appearing to me while I was hanging the laundry, and saying something like, 'Hail, Dixie, full of grace.'"

A CVS pregnancy test later, and it appears that the Messiah has chosen Gainesville, Florida, as the site for his Second Coming to Earth. Obviously the importance of the location and the virtue of the 27-year-old country star appealed to the Son of God's sense of humor. Dixie's friends are vying for parts in the new Nativity story, and the location of the new manger has been chosen to be the famed BAMBI MOTEL. There will likely be no room available (they will all be full of Nicaraguans), so probably the straw will have to be laid around the pool in the middle of the parking lot.

"I always thought that I was the Messiah," Dixie sighed Saturday, fanning herself on the porch of her elegant Duck Pond home. "But I guess I'll have to settle for being His mom."